I'm Turning 50! Here's What I've Learned So Far.

“It’s such a gamble when you get a face”

-Richard Hell and the Voidoids

As I write this, I have one more week of being younger than 50.

I’m introspective by nature, so lately I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve done right over those 50 years. I tend to be hard on myself, so this positive take is a big leap for me. And perhaps it’s the best birthday gift I can give myself.

Before going any further, I want to acknowledge the privilege I have because of my race and gender—I know that they have benefited me in ways I know and in ways I do not. Still, I’m proud of the choices and decisions I’ve made along the way, and that’s what I’m trying to memorialize here.

Without any additional digital throat-clearing, here is what I’ve gotten right over the years:

Developing and practicing mindfulness. In my mid-20s, after coming out of the closet, finishing grad school, getting a job I thought I wanted, and beginning to date, the mental peace that had escaped me in my teens and early 20s failed to materialize. I thought reaching these milestones and acquiring certain statuses would lead to a quieting of my mind and lifting of my spirits. Quite the opposite happened. I felt more lost than ever. I started therapy and my therapist suggested I read the book Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart, which blended psychotherapy and mindfulness. I began meditating on my own and soon found my way to a group practice in DC, which I attended weekly for a few years. That laid the foundation for a lifelong practice, and I am convinced that it has kept me even keeled in all sorts of situations, events, and traumas. It doesn’t mean I don’t have negative feelings or experiences (far from it), but I have a much better time navigating them now than I did before.

Connecting with nature. I grew up mostly in Shavertown, Pennsylvania. My family lived in a subdivision, but it was built on former farmland and was surrounded by forests, including several streams and ponds. Which means most of my first 18 years or so were very much grounded in nature. But then came adulthood and living in Washington, DC and New York. In those environments I still longed for nature, and I loved time away, especially anything involving water and a beach. I also figured out how to be an urban gardener (yes, you can easily take over abandoned tree plots on side streets in DC and fill them with flowers, if your time and wallet allow). But moving to Provincetown in 2019, and inadvertently staying here full-time, has injected me into nature like nothing else before. I am most at peace running through the dunes or forests here or while hiking on an abandoned winter beach near sunset with my camera in hand and coyotes howling in the distance. Plus I’ve been able to build a really amazing garden at our home here.

Committing to a skin care routine. I established a skincare routine in my late 20s, after an older friend encouraged me to do so. I did research, and Kiehl’s men’s Facial Fuel line seemed to be the right balance of price and reviews. I’ve been a devoted user for 20 years, and I’m grateful I started when I did. I should probably use SPF more often, but I do when I need it the most. This entry might seem trite, but I’m glad I did this for myself. I’m ok admitting that I like liking what I see in the mirror! 

Taking exercise seriously. Sometime in my 30s, I realized that I felt better when I managed to exercise. Which led to the decision that I would be a person who did not not exercise. Starting then, no matter how busy my life, I’d prioritize some exercising—whether yoga, stretching, cardio, or weights. Note that I didn’t decide to become a super-fast runner or someone who has big muscles (clearly!), or even to be someone who exercises a certain number of days. Instead, I decided to be someone who did not skip exercising. This framing helps me do some kind of physical activity even when it feels like I can’t do much. Because for me the goal isn’t to reach certain athletic milestones, which can feel impossible and overwhelming—the goal is to not not exercise. That is easy to do.

Learning to forgive. From a young age, I witnessed my father struggle with forgiving people who hurt him. With him as my example, I thought that holding grudges and shutting out those who wronged me was the way to go. I soon learned that this way of living weighed on my dad, and I didn’t want to take that path. So, I worked on it, and have forgiven lots of people over the years, including myself. This mindset isn’t about remaining super close to or in trusting relationships with people who have harmed me. Instead, it means I prioritize understanding why things happened the way they do—and why people behave the way they do. And then letting that shit go. At first it was easier said than done, but now it’s basically a habit. And one that makes me feel very light.

Listening to my creative voice. I’ve always been drawn to creativity. Writing, gardening, acting, photography, attempting (and failing at) painting. For most of my life I told that voice to be quiet or patient. That I would make time for it when I am older, likely when I was retired. I found time, now and then, to pursue creative work, but it was never something I felt like I could or should commit to (certainly not while working at semi-fancy, full-time political-ish jobs in Washington, DC or New York—what would people think of me if I was outwardly and intently pursuing these things!). It was mostly something I did in between the so-called important stuff. But something in 2019 and 2020 broke open for me, and I knew I had to center creativity in my life—that that was the important stuff. And I did. Am I doing as much creative work now as I’d like? No, because I still live in the USA, where creativity is seriously undervalued (plus, I do still enjoy my policy/coaching career). But I’ve committed to it like never before, and it’s a big part of my life, and I’m no longer shy about saying so.

Having a small but mighty circle of good humans. I have never had a huge social network. Do I know a lot of people? Yes. Do I care about a lot of people and know that a lot of people care about me? Yes and yes. But I’m not someone who refers to five, 10, 20, or more people as my best friend. I have a handful of people (from all parts and phases of my life) who I know would do anything for me (and I for them). I am also really lucky that later in life—post-divorce at age 42 and after moving to Provincetown—to have my partners and to have built a very strong network of local friends who are family (plus, as always, the OGs, my mom and sister and her partner).

Going to therapy. I’ve been in therapy several times during the past four decades. I’ve had seven or eight therapists in that time, because I like to get different perspectives and I also think I plateau if I see the same person year after year. It’s no exaggeration to say that therapy has saved my life, by making me get ahead of anxiety and depression, including by directing me toward medication when needed. I know medical care in this country is expensive and complicated, so I realize not everyone can access good (mental or physical) health care. But if you can afford it and you’re not accessing it, you’re committing a lifelong unforced error.

Eating good food. I mean this in two ways. First, I prioritize eating food that is whole, local-ish, and generally good for me. Second, I allow myself to eat food that I really like. I’m lucky because at this point, most of what I really like fits into that first category. But I’m also lucky because I know that if I let myself eat a modest amount of chocolate and other sweets (which I love), I’m going to be better satiated overall, and stick to that first category of foods. I also make sure I eat for the kind of physical activity I’m doing at any given time, especially something unique or time-bound (e.g., training for a half-marathon). But I generally don’t sweat my diet and feel good about my choices, even when they involve near-daily ice cream in the Summer.  

Siding with the good (better) guys. I am a realist (and maybe some days a pessimist). I do not think one political party is flawless and angelic, while the other is corrupt and demonic. OK, scratch that. One party is currently corrupt and demonic, but that doesn’t mean I think the other one is perfect. Far from it. I learned early on in my career that even among progressive organizations, donors, policymakers, and foundations, I was going to find things that angered me, conflicted with my values, and made me question my career choices. I realized that bad people and institutions are everywhere, but I’d rather cast my lot with the people and institutions that I am convinced are a clear net good for the world. Even though it hasn’t led to the most lucrative of financial outcomes, this choice has given me a career that I feel good about and that has maybe, just maybe, made the world a better place.

On that note, I’ll end with the words of The Ramones:

“I used to be on an endless run.

Believed in miracles 'cause I'm one.

I've been blessed with the power to survive.

After all these years, I'm still alive.

Oh, I believe in miracles.

I believe in a better world for me and you…”

Me on first birthday (I think). My sister is behind me (she'd turn age four 3 days later).