Stop Asking “Why” in Conversations — Try This Instead

Asking “Why?” might be one of the least helpful ways to use the English language. It’s a go-to for most people who are trying to find out more information about something another person said. But it’s also a good way to derail or kill a conversation.

If two people are discussing a movie they just saw, and person one states emphatically that they loved it and consider it to be the one of the best movies ever, person two will likely respond by asking, “Why?’. Depending on person two’s tone of voice and nonverbal communication–and person one’s overall emotional state and disposition–that “why” could be interpreted as condescending (at best) or incredulous (at worst).

Provincetown Harbor on a cloudy winter morning.

A better way to learn more about why someone likes a movie (or a book, restaurant, etc.) is to say something like, “What did you like about it?”. That question will likely be heard in a less judgemental or condescending way–and it prevents a person from responding with “Because” or “I don’t know,” which are common responses to “Why” questions.

A few years ago, I went to a museum with a small group of family and friends. Afterwards, as we reflected on the exhibit we saw, one person said she really loved the paintings in the collection. Another person immediately jumped in with “Why did you like them?”. The art lover stammered for a bit and said something like “I don’t know. I just did. Did you think they weren’t good?”

Suddenly the conversation was less about this person telling the group why they loved the art, and more about this person defending–and questioning–their taste. Imagine if someone responded to her with “What did you love about them?” rather than the “Why”-bomb.

Generally speaking, “Why” shuts down conversations–or makes people feel defensive–while asking a more open question leads to openness, curiosity, and honesty. I learned this a few years ago during my coach training coursework. It changed how I ask questions in all parts of my life–not just while coaching.

Of course no language or communication rule is hard-and-fast, and there might be situations where “Why?” is the right thing to ask–perhaps you do want to express incredulity or you want to cut a conversation short. In those cases, go with Why!

But if you are generally curious about someone and their thoughts and feelings on a given topic, limit your “Whys.” You’ll be rewarded for it and the person you’re talking to will be grateful.